Video Journal 12.14.11 – Cars, Illogical Worries


My God Son, Cameron playing around.

Video Journal 12-11-11 – Friends, Disfunctional, Regrets

Retrogression Into Motley Melancholy

Things with me lately have just been up and down.  I feel like the friends that used to care about me, and supposedly were my “friends” don’t care about me anymore.  I think what really hit me was I just realized that I’ve been putting more into friendships, relationships in general, than I’ve been getting out.  But, most of all, I feel like with all the times I’ve opened up to people and told them how I’ve felt about them, how great and wonderous I think they are to me, and what they mean to me, that I’ve just been taken advantage of, like it doesn’t matter or that what I say is old and doesn’t have any meaning.. 

So I’ve decided that, from now on I’m not going to be as open with people anymore that don’t give back what I put in to the “friendship” we have.  I’m not going to be generous with my feelings anymore and give people the praise that I once wanted to give them, because in al sincerity and seriousness – I haven’t gotten any of it back…  I’ve got it back from some people, people who’ve been there for me from Day 1, but other than that – even some of the people I had hoped would be there for me, that have been there for me have decided that I’m just old news.

It sucks.  It really does.  And in the meantime, I get yelled at by someone who says that me having drank a little is bad and drinking alone is bad, but this was also coming from someone who goes to parties all the time and drinks, but when confronted, supposedly socially drinking “isnt the same.”  Which upset me more than anything, because either way you still drink.  So I don’t get where someone just feels like its cool to criticize me for something they do.  I mean that’s what I thought they were all about recently, parties and shit. 

I just find it upsetting that things are falling apart like that.. even when I opened up my heart to them and gave them my love, it’s like it doesn’t mean anything to them anymore…

So, I guess it’s time to withdraw and just keep to myself.  Whatever, if that’s how it’s going to be then I guess I’ll have to live with it.  It’s like I say something complimentary and lovely, but I don’t get half the love I used to get back…  I wish it was a few months ago when things were okay… but I can’t rewind time…I’ve tried to do everything to open up, but it just gets ignored (by you).  Other people think it’s sweet, nice, makes me a good friend, but not anymore (for you). 

It just really makes me question sometimes what the point of staying in these people’s lives are if I dont get the appreciation I feel like I deserve… Makes me really wonder who are my real friends… who really cares about me..





Video Journal December 11.2011

Video Journal December 10.11

My response to Jonah Mowry – Hope you are well friend..