Letter In A Bottle, Floating In A Sea From A Foggy Mind (OCD Analysis For Week of the 19th)

(my original title for this post was going to be Letter From A Message in a Bottle; In a Sea From A Foggy Mind – But as you can tell, that wouldn’t make any sort of sense…whatsoever… of course it is 7:20 AM and I haven’t slept… so you can probably piece together how incoherently my thoughts are connected (not at all).)

Day: 5
Time: 7:20AM
Mood: Dreamscape, illogically stumbling on my arse for a good slumber.
Theme: no theme, this isn’t a party of any kind here..
Entry #: The absolute hell if I know. I’ve written a bloody book by now.

(Pardon my attempt(s) at humor – very very incoherent, and almost lacking any sense.)

I’ve had my ups and downs the last two nights or so.  I’ve given myself a hard time, beyond what I should be, kicking myself while I’m down, which in the end, had no positive effect on my behavior.  My assumptions are that it’s a mix of my medicine (or lack of a prescription I’ve been procrastinating to get filled) and being unsure of how to handle some of the new fodder for my Obsessive mind.  I’m semi-aware of when my OCD gets the best of myself and drags me down.  I can notice it when it’s pointed out, but at the very same time, I don’t feel like it’s ALL my OCD.  I feel that my points of worry I bring up are valid to an extent and can be irrational, but I see it more in the ‘grey’ area of the whole session. 
      There seems to be a very fine point where my session becomes obsession. 

For an example: my feelings about driving.  I want to get it done, I feel almost forced to an extent now that I MUST get it done otherwise I’m doomed to fail.  The feeling of “failure” seems to overpower the feeling of “motivation” here, and from that, my mind picks and chooses which parts of that would make a better thought to stick onto and progress negatively in which becomes a pre-mature, obsessive compulsive self torture session (not physically, just metally).

My last session with my councilor was rather frigid.  He helped me in some ways, we’re working on things one step at a time, one part of the obsessive process at a time, what is making me depressed and fall into this cycle of pessimistic “hell”.  Recent obssessions have been focusing around my success compared to others – that is the stem, no, the ROOT of my obsessions I’m having now..  And that, of course, tied in with my low self esteem is causing quite the ruckus. 

We’re working on building back up my self esteem that has been torn down and hopefully planting some seeds to make it stronger and less vulnerable to my own ridicule.

I feel the need sometimes to compare my success or lack of success to those around me or those I see that are more successful in life in all sorts of ways, thus explaining the basis for my whole obsession about feeling like a “failure” for not having my license already.  Other things include, my lack of self esteem relating on the topic of not being as prepared as other people, another topic, not being sure with myself that people will enjoy and love me for being myself. 
  These episodic and sparatic obsessions occur a lot more within the past month or so.  What the cause is, I think, is that I let too many things that too many people say get under my skin to the point where I believed it.

But I am, as well as my councilor is, trying to work on rebuilding what as been destroyed and eventually the rest will come with time and practice of maintaining that self esteem.  I can see these things being solved and much more taken care of after a few more sessions.  I’m not going to rush, and I know I don’t have a strict schedule, so the practice begins with myself and working hard to tune out what I don’t want to hear.

 

End of report for this week, maybe this opened some eyes and some curiosity to what my OCD is like.  I DO know that by reviewing this with myself, it has increased slightly the attention I have and the awareness of what is going on.

 

End.

Sincerest,

Alex

 

 

Teacup In A Tempest..(Broken Mirrors and Distortion)

The original saying is “Tempest In A Teacup”, but flipping it on it’s back seemed more fitting for me in this case.

My biggest fear has been kissing me in the face the last few nights and maybe even more than that.  It’s killing me.  My biggest fear right now is that I won’t be prepared when my close friend from across seas comes to pay a visit to the US.. that I won’t be in the state that I can help provide and pay for things.. and it’s a little daunting.. I don’t know how to get rid of my fear… My mother tells me everything will be fine and I’ll be prepared, but, I’m still not sure.. it would kill me not to see her..

That’s been the thing that has been really frustrating me.  I don’t know how prepared I will be and things just feel so slow right now that I’m feeling even moreso ill.

I’m going to see my councilor today, but I don’t know how I’m going to get over my fear.  I can’t hardly sleep anymore at night.. I’m a nervous wreck.. a bundle of stress… and sometimes I wish I had someone that I can vent to more, or someone that understands my fears. 

I guess a better way to explain things, is that my fears are borderlining the same thing as they’ve been.  The whole feeling of not being sure on my own success.  It just seems that I’ve been letting too many people’s words get to me and I’m running out of ways of dealing with my stress..

Sooner or later, I’m going to breakdown.  Not a psychotic breakdown, nothing violent – more of an implosion, a feeling of unsurity, and just tears..

Just posting what I feel like.

Take me or leave me.

-sincerely

Alex

 

 

Reports: Feds Bust IMAGiNE Movie Release Group | TorrentFreak

According to reports, movie release group IMAGiNE have been busted and their private BitTorrent tracker taken offline. The leader of release group EP1C, who declared war on IMAGiNE earlier in the year, told TorrentFreak that nine individuals were arrested following an Immigration and Customs Enforcement “joint operation.”

At the end of July 2011, the admin of XtremeSpeeds.net, a private BitTorrent tracker, reported that his house had been raided by the authorities. He said that he was questioned under suspicion of being part of IMAGiNE, one of the leading P2P release groups.

Although the XS admin denied begin connected, he did admit renting out a server to “a guy who rented it out,” a suggestion that he perhaps had suspicions about potential connections, intended or otherwise.

XtremeSpeeds then disappeared completely and a promised August update from the site’s admin never materialized. What followed was an information black-hole, a common feature of ongoing piracy investigations where authorities aren’t yet ready to shout about their achievements and lawyers advise their clients to keep their mouths shut.

Now the rumor mill is turning again. According to reports, IMAGiNE – one of the P2P scene’s most prominent release groups – have been busted by Immigration and Customs Enforcement. The reports, which have proven impossible to confirm from any official source at this stage, state up to nine arrests.

Unleashthenet

Last year, IMAGiNE launched their own “secret” private BitTorrent tracker that remained under the radar for roughly 10 minutes. The site, UnleashTheNet, also known by its acronym UtN, was hosted in Canada but in the last few days it simply disappeared.

This morning TorrentFreak spoke with the site’s host who informed us that they haven’t heard anything about any raids or arrests. A traceroute timed-out at the site’s IP address.

However, there is one person who claims to know the details of IMAGiNE’s fate and he spoke with us just a few hours ago. So, has IMAGiNE really been busted?

“Yep,” says DiGiTALiNK, founder of P2P release group EP1C. “ICE joint operation got them.”

In an email to TorrentFreak, DiGiTALiNK went on to say that 9 people were arrested including IMAGiNE members Spunky, HoD, Jason, Tank, TheStash and Spangy, all of them within the United States. [See update below]

If these words do indeed turn out to be true, this latest development marks yet another event in a turbulent few months for EP1C, IMAGiNE, and associated sites and individuals.

In June this year, IMAGiNE published a warning on their site which declared that EP1C members had been banned and that anyone inviting them back would share their fate. It was claimed that DiGiTALiNK, EP1C’s founder, had “turned in one if not more of his members to the feds” and that a private FTP site of his was being watched by the authorities.

In the hugely political world of private trackers, claims like this are not unusual. In many file-sharing circles paranoia reigns supreme but, as they say, just because you’re paranoid it doesn’t mean they aren’t out to get you.

When EP1C’s DiGiTALiNK delivered his response to IMAGiNE’s claims, the focus was on escalating the conflict.

“They crossed paths with the wrong person, they lie, cheat, steal and have a fake identity to make people think they care about there [sic] safety, but in fact many of there [sic] source providers have been busted because they have no regard for your safety, only want the fame of that release,” the response began.

“Within the next few releases I will be providing proof of all this to the public and including all there [sic] personal identification information.. haha if I was a snitch they would have already been busted. IMAGiNE, are [expletives removed].”

Immediately some details related to the identity of one IMAGiNE member were released followed by the locations of others along with the words: “Get ready for a War.”

But those hoping to learn more from future EP1C revelations would be left disappointed. EP1C made their final releases on June 14th and 15th, dates which to within a week coincided with the accusations made by IMAGiNE.

TorrentFreak pointed out the history of bad-blood between EP1C and IMAGiNE to DiGiTALiNK and asked if he had a comment. We also asked how he came by the more specific details of the alleged arrests. At the time of publication we’re yet to receive a response.

After making releases of high-profile movies every few days for the last few months, last week on September 9th IMAGiNE made their most recent release – The.Guard.2011.DVDSCR.XViD.AC3-IMAGiNE. Nothing has been heard from them since.

The group did not respond to correspondence sent to a secure account so only time will tell if this release turns out to be their last.

Update: Fresh sources confirm that four people were visited by ICE

.Waiting.Room.s…

Today wasn’t a great day.  My mouth and my face are still sore from all the surgical work.  My diet has consisted of yogurt, soup and more yogurt.  Not that bad of a diet.  I love yogurt, but it gets to feeling too much like the previous days.  I had to cancel my counciling appointment due to the pain I was experiencing from my surgery.  Not very happy that I did that, but I don’t think I would’ve made it 10 minutes talking through a 60 minute session…especially with the state that my gums feel like.

It’s been a boring day today.  Very passive.  The weather hasn’t bothered me much, being as hot as it was and the silence around the day felt good.. but later felt lonely…

I love my life, but sometimes, I don’t know what I should be feeling about it. 

They say people can inspire you to do better, but at this point, I don’t want an inspiration –
I want a friend..

and I know how cliche that sounds, but I’m only telling the truth.  I could use a good friend right about now.

That’s not to say that I don’t have good friends, because I do, most of them are just so busy lately..

I don’t know how exactly to put it. 

I wish that I didn’t get so lonely like I do.  If I could just ignore it I would.

but, I’ve never been the type to turn emotions on and off like light switches.

I’m keeping a dream journal now.  Maybe I’ll start sharing that more and writing in it when I wake up to recall on my dreams and thoughts that occurred during my sleep.  It may become benefitial in its own weird way.  Eventually, I hope to start Lucid dreaming. I’ve done my good share of research on Lucid dreams and to be able to control my dreams has been a long time goal of mine since I was a little kid. 

Maybe this will open some doors.

Sincerest,

 

Alex.

A Useful Droid Application To Manage Your Torrents Remotely – Transdroid (Transdroid.org)

Transdroid-main-180x300

(image taken from Transdroid.org)

So a while back when I was surfing the market on my Android phone in between having to restore applications of mine that I had lost
in the many times I had to go and restore my phone, one of these applications,Transdroid was pulled from the Google market because of

“This is a notification that the application, Transdroid Torrent Manager with package ID org.transdroid has been removed from Android Market due to a violation of the Developer Content Policy. Please review the Content Policies and Business and Program Policies before you create or upload additional applications.”
 Transdroid  www.transdroid.org  http://www.transdroid.org/ (Accessed 12 September 2011)

Apparrently the reason it being pulled was because the application had a section where a user could scan a barcode and search torrent sites like EzTV for torrent downloads which is why it was pulled.

The GOOD NEWS:

The app creator Erik Kok has put up the application on Code.Google.com for you to use, and it’s completely malware free.  The app doesn’t ask for too many permissions, probably 4 at the most – and they are nothing out of the ordinary – so if you Have an Android phone and want to use this or see more of this application check out the official site http://transdroid.org

Downloading the application: http://www.transdroid.org/download/

Downloading the Torrent Search libraries: http://transdroid.org/latest-search

And more guides for using the app here: http://www.transdroid.org/download/

Cinderella Man Pt.2 (Changes and New Found Respect)

Recently has been a new turning point in my life.  I’m really working hard with myself and my life to straighten things out.
My OCD is getting better in a lot of ways, and I’m seeing a councilor that I was seeing a while back – again, my first appointment
went well and I really feel like I’m getting resolutions with myself and things that I dislike about myself.  For the longest while I’ve had
an issue with being me and where I am in life, but I’m starting to feel better about it.  I was told that everyone has their own journey in life
and that everyone’s success is different from the next person, and it’s good to have goals of what you want, but comparing yourself to
someone else’s success to feel like you have to emulate them and be them isn’t a good thing to do.

Be happy being you, and who you are.  The little things don’t matter and neither do what other people think of you.
You are you, and at the end of the day, the only person that can be you and do what you do is you, because in retrospect,
if you don’t like who you are, it’s self destructive, people love you for what how you act candidly, not for being like someone else or acting like someone else. 
Keep your head up and keep your head high, never stop being you.

I had to learn that the hardway.  I hated what I was and my self image, and I realized that people don’t love you for trying to be like someone else. 
People love you for being what you are at heart and doing your own thing, not because you’re trying to compare to the douchebags on Jersey Shore or toolbags who treat women like shit and don’t know how to handle a real relationship, because when you look at it, those people aren’t happy in their relationships.  People want someone who is going to be sincere to themselves and aren’t afraid to love themselves.  You are your biggest advocate, and if you can openly love yourself and feel comfortable in your skin, then that’s all you need.  Fuck what society thinks of you, fuck what people think of you, fuck what people say to degrade you for doing your own thing in your own life.  If everyone had the same eperience in life there’d be no such thing as individuality. 

 

Sincerely,

 

Alex

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