(my original title for this post was going to be Letter From A Message in a Bottle; In a Sea From A Foggy Mind – But as you can tell, that wouldn’t make any sort of sense…whatsoever… of course it is 7:20 AM and I haven’t slept… so you can probably piece together how incoherently my thoughts are connected (not at all).)
Mood: Dreamscape, illogically stumbling on my arse for a good slumber.
Theme: no theme, this isn’t a party of any kind here..
Entry #: The absolute hell if I know. I’ve written a bloody book by now.
(Pardon my attempt(s) at humor – very very incoherent, and almost lacking any sense.)
I’ve had my ups and downs the last two nights or so. I’ve given myself a hard time, beyond what I should be, kicking myself while I’m down, which in the end, had no positive effect on my behavior. My assumptions are that it’s a mix of my medicine (or lack of a prescription I’ve been procrastinating to get filled) and being unsure of how to handle some of the new fodder for my Obsessive mind. I’m semi-aware of when my OCD gets the best of myself and drags me down. I can notice it when it’s pointed out, but at the very same time, I don’t feel like it’s ALL my OCD. I feel that my points of worry I bring up are valid to an extent and can be irrational, but I see it more in the ‘grey’ area of the whole session.
There seems to be a very fine point where my session becomes obsession.
For an example: my feelings about driving. I want to get it done, I feel almost forced to an extent now that I MUST get it done otherwise I’m doomed to fail. The feeling of “failure” seems to overpower the feeling of “motivation” here, and from that, my mind picks and chooses which parts of that would make a better thought to stick onto and progress negatively in which becomes a pre-mature, obsessive compulsive self torture session (not physically, just metally).
My last session with my councilor was rather frigid. He helped me in some ways, we’re working on things one step at a time, one part of the obsessive process at a time, what is making me depressed and fall into this cycle of pessimistic “hell”. Recent obssessions have been focusing around my success compared to others – that is the stem, no, the ROOT of my obsessions I’m having now.. And that, of course, tied in with my low self esteem is causing quite the ruckus.
We’re working on building back up my self esteem that has been torn down and hopefully planting some seeds to make it stronger and less vulnerable to my own ridicule.
I feel the need sometimes to compare my success or lack of success to those around me or those I see that are more successful in life in all sorts of ways, thus explaining the basis for my whole obsession about feeling like a “failure” for not having my license already. Other things include, my lack of self esteem relating on the topic of not being as prepared as other people, another topic, not being sure with myself that people will enjoy and love me for being myself.
These episodic and sparatic obsessions occur a lot more within the past month or so. What the cause is, I think, is that I let too many things that too many people say get under my skin to the point where I believed it.
But I am, as well as my councilor is, trying to work on rebuilding what as been destroyed and eventually the rest will come with time and practice of maintaining that self esteem. I can see these things being solved and much more taken care of after a few more sessions. I’m not going to rush, and I know I don’t have a strict schedule, so the practice begins with myself and working hard to tune out what I don’t want to hear.
End of report for this week, maybe this opened some eyes and some curiosity to what my OCD is like. I DO know that by reviewing this with myself, it has increased slightly the attention I have and the awareness of what is going on.